You might not want to read this....

(Fair warning…this is a trip inside the head of a very pregnant lady who has too much time to think these days. And it's long. You may not want to keep reading! But scroll to the end for a belly picture at least!)

Holy cow. I have 6.5 weeks left. Six and a half short weeks until my “due date” rolls around and I start to get anxious about whether Yellow will actually come close to on-time or not.

Who am I kidding? I’m already anxious about whether Yellow will follow in his/her sibling’s footsteps and decide to come as close to the 40 week mark as possible. Why the anxiety? Because I’m trying to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) and, although my midwife is good with not even considering a repeat c-section until I’ve gotten to 42 weeks, she works for/with OBs who are not as confident in that plan.

That’s really the least of my anxiety right now, though. My big, giant, huge, enormous, hang-over-my-head all day, every day anxiety is just having the VBAC in the first place.

I’m a huge proponent of natural birth. I don’t generally like our obstetrical model of care here in the United States. I feel like doctors - and society in general - do a good job of convincing mothers that somehow giving birth needs to be medically managed instead of just helping us trust our bodies and being there in case something really goes wrong. I think that modern medicine is fabulous when it’s necessary. I think the problem with our current obstetrics model of care is that OBs seem to think that a woman can’t possibly have a baby without all that modern medicine and, in fact, many OBs have never seen a truly natural birth. It’s true; knowledge of surgery has definitely saved many a mama and baby since it became something that doctors know how to do, but it’s also been used unnecessarily way too many times for me to fully “trust” the system.

There’s a term used often in the “natural birth community” to describe the overzealous use of surgery – the “unnecesarean.” I’m not going to say that my c-section with Michaela was totally unnecessary, but I feel like, even though I tried for a fully natural birth, I allowed for at least a few interventions that probably helped contribute to my section. It took me weeks (months) after M was born to sort of mourn the loss of the birth I’d always pictured I was going to have. That probably sounds weird to some people, but when you spend your entire pregnancy planning to not have any medication, to basically forego all medical interventions, it can be a little bit heartbreaking to end up with the ultimate medical intervention – surgical birth. It took me nearly ten minutes to sign the consent form for the surgery; that’s how much I did not want a section.

My dear friend Abbie told me, just a few days after Michaela was born, that “the only unnatural birth would’ve been if you’d delivered her out of your nose!” That helped a little, but it’s really taken me almost this past three years to come to terms with what led to my c-section, and to feel like I didn’t completely fail at doing what my body is made to do. But I also know that there are things I could’ve done differently to help prevent the section. It might not have been totally unnecessary, but I’m still not convinced it was fully necessary either.

So that leads us to today. Well, this whole pregnancy, actually. Well, since we started thinking about having another baby, really. I have researched the risks versus benefits of VBACs, I’ve read a bazillion birth stories of all sorts, and I’ve analyzed and over-analyzed what happened with Michaela. All that led me to the pretty easy decision to want a VBAC, and to do whatever I can to make it as safe as possible for me and the baby.

I won’t get into the whole story about my first appointment with an OB here – where I ended up sobbing in the office at the words, “No. You’re not a VBAC candidate.” It’s not pretty, and the good that came out of it made the visit worth it. The good is that I found a wonderful midwife instead, who’s question to me at my consult with her was, “So why are you here?” I replied, “Well, I guess to find out if I’m a candidate for a VBAC, or if you’ll take me on.” Her answer? A simple, “Why wouldn’t you be?”

Since that consult when I was somewhere around 14 or 15 weeks pregnant, I have never once questioned my choice to see my midwife. I’ve never questioned my choice to switch hospitals to the one that’s WAY farther away to not only be able to use the midwife, but to have a more natural-birth-friendly atmosphere. And deep down, I don’t think I’ve truly questioned my decision to go for the VBAC. But the closer the time comes – and the more my body tells me how much less its enjoying being pregnant this time around (dude, I’m old), the more I wonder if I’m insane.

I mean, what could be easier than a repeat c-section, right? Schedule the day (much easier to have childcare set up for Michaela), no mess and fuss of actually laboring again (my labor with Michaela was NOT pretty), no worrying about having the “fight” with the on-call OB about whether or not I’m progressing quickly enough, no money to spend on a doula… well the list could probably go on. Sure, there are risks associated with a c-section – ones that some OBs often sort of gloss over – but people have c-sections every day. We’re told that the increased risk of hemorrhaging, possible incision infection, increased difficulty with establishing breastfeeding, and the various other risks aren’t anything to be too concerned about. So how bad could it be? Well, there is the whole cutting open your abdomen thing. And that’s not fun.

Meanwhile, what I get with a VBAC is the potential for another long, painful labor (I’ve been doing whatever I can so far through this whole pregnancy to try to keep this baby positioned correctly for an easier labor – my big issue with Michaela being that she was asynclitic, or crooked), the “fight” if things don’t go text-book and the on-call OB starts harassing my midwife about moving me along (I will NOT have any pitocin this time around unless there’s no other way this kid is coming out), the anxiety of trying to labor at home as long as possible without waiting TOO long to make the trip to the hospital, the expense of the doula/birth assistant (who is already worth every penny!), and don’t forget that small risk of uterine rupture (which, by the way, is less of a risk than all those c-section risks, but it’s still there).

But, seriously. I want to go through labor again!?!??! And without drugs, again (even more so than last time). What am I, insane??? I am truly not worried about *the* major medical risk associated with a VBAC; Because the risk of uterine rupture is less than 1% in a VBAC labor that is not induced or aided by pitocin (neither of which I’ll be doing), I personally feel that I’d be taking on more medical risk with the c-section. But with the VBAC I’m taking on labor! UGH! Contractions. Cervical checks (there will be very few of those). Back pain. And then pushing. Oh. Pushing. Yeah, didn’t actually get to that with Michaela…. not really excited about it, to be honest. It’s weird to be having a second child, but feeling like it’s a first because, although I certainly experienced labor, I have no idea what to expect for the pushing and after. And I’m scared.

There, I said it. I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll have a similar labor, which I don’t know how I’ll manage again. I’m scared that this baby will also be crooked. I’m scared about actually having to do the work of getting the baby out. I’m scared about third stage. Then I’m also scared about *not* having the VBAC. I’m scared about going through all the work like I did with Michaela and then ending up with a c-section anyway, or, even worse, not getting the chance to labor at all. I’m scared about the possibility of c-section recovery with a newborn AND a 3-yr-old. And then, either way, I’m scared that our wishes for care of the baby after s/he’s here won’t be followed (a new fear after our meeting with our doula this week – YIKES!!). And I’m definitely scared of what our family is going to be like when Michaela is no longer the only child.

*Sigh* I trust my body to do what it was made to do, but having “failed” before (and I put failed in quotes for a reason… I don’t think I failed, per se, but it’s sort of the closest word I can think of describe not actually having a vaginal delivery with M), it’s also difficult to fully trust that things won’t go “wrong” again this time around. I know I’ve done what I can while I’ve been pregnant to set myself up the best possible way for this VBAC (good nutrition, physical therapy to get my hips lined up right, finding an awesome midwife and an awesome doula, and using positioning techniques from www.spinningbabies.com to keep the kid straight), but it’s still so daunting to give up the “easy” of the repeat section to try to do it naturally again. And did you know there will be a new baby at the end of all of this!?!??!

What did I tell you? Ramblings of a very pregnant lady (even more pregnant when I actually first started typing this up over a week ago!!) with too much time to think on her hands!

Meanwhile, here’s a picture from two weeks ago. I’m bigger than this now. Oh yeah… add another fear… I’m afraid I’m growing another ginormous baby!!! I need this kid to stay around the 8lb mark instead of hovering near 9lbs like Michaela!!

Belly Watch 2012

(pictures taken at 31w2d, about 2 weeks ago)

Belly picture time!

I love how every time I take a picture of my belly, I think it's huge.

Right up until I see the next picture of my belly.

I lost my feet this week. I can bend over and find them, but when I'm standing up straight, they don't appear at all. Maybe if I had bigger feet, I'd get a glimpse of nicely-pedicured toes. But they're not that big, so they're hidden now.

Yellow is also very nicely hanging out head-down already, so I get to see/feel a butt shifting around just above my belly button pretty much all the time. And, like his/her sibling, Yellow seems to have a propensity for getting hiccups, so I've been feeling those every few days already, too.

In other pregnancy news, I failed my 1-hr glucose test this week (didn't eat before the test... I don't recommend that). But, because my midwife is awesome, and because I REALLY didn't want to do the 3-hr test (there is nothing natural or good for you about sugar-shocking your system like that!), I get to just do some standard blood sugar testing this weekend with a regular ol' glucose meter at home. As long as those numbers are fine, then I'm good to go. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine, but I'm happy to get to test this way instead of the sugar-shock method. This is just one more reason why I'm SO very happy I found my midwife and didn't settle for the less-than-ideal care I felt like I would've gotten from the OB I initially saw. It's good to be a person and not just another pregnant lady rotating out of the exam room every 5 minutes.

Anywho, onto the good stuff....

Belly Watch 2012

(28 weeks, 1 day)

Look how big my belly's gotten!

Oh my.

I somehow thought that my belly hadn't really gotten that much bigger in the last few weeks. Even though my midwife looked at me at my last appointment and said, "Ooo, gained a little weight. Yeah, you just look.... bigger."

I was wrong. Unless I was somehow holding it in when I took the picture 2 weeks ago and sticking it out when I took the picture tonight. I don't think either of those is true.

We did find out on Tuesday that Yellow is still a baby - gender to be revealed to all upon delivery! - and is measuring somewhere around 1 pound, 7 oz. I'm going to blame the big belly on that. I don't think a baby is supposed to be that big yet at 23weeks gestation. That does not bode well for me!

Anyway, so.....

Belly Watch 2012

(23 weeks)

And because this other picture cracks me up, I have to include it, too. My mini-me decided she wanted to be in on the belly picture action. So she stood in front of me and posed. I had to crop myself out of the picture because my eyes were closed and I looked awful, but this is what was going on in front of me while Jason just tried to get a quick picture. *sigh*

Have I mentioned I'm pregnant??

I don't think anyone who reads this doesn't also know about my 365 Project blog (or 366 this year), so hopefully everyone's up to speed on the latest Dorval family news.

In case you're not, I'm pregnant. Not just a little bit either... I'm over halfway done baking this kid, affectionately referred to as Yellow (remember, Michaela was Green before she was born). I'm almost 21 weeks pregnant, there's just one baby in there, and we don't know what it is beyond Yellow. We're going to hold off until his or her arrival sometime at the end of July to find out, too! We're pretty excited about waiting - and I'm excited about the extra motivation to either get me through an unmedicated/low intervention VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) if that's in the cards like I hope, or to deal with the disappointment of having another section if that's what I have to do instead. (Fingers crossed for the VBAC, in case you didn't catch that.)

Anywho. Since I posted regular pictures of my growing belly back in 2009 when I was pregnant with Michaela, I figure I should do the same this time around. Of course, the second kid is already getting the shaft since I just FINALLY got to taking a picture tonight when I think we started at 13 weeks with Michaela. Ooops. We'll do better from here out I guess.

Like I said on my 365 blog tonight, I used "Bump Watch" with Michaela, but I don't like the term "Baby bump" anymore, so I'm switching it up to "Belly Watch" this time around. If all goes well, it will all stay in my belly, too.

Without further ado....

Belly Watch 2012

(20 weeks, 5 days)

Everyone needs pictures of Michaela

I know a lot of people check this blog and are sorely disappointed with how little I've updated it. But I've been keeping up with my 365 Project blog faithfully, so if you feel like you've been missing out, go check that one out instead. The link is right over there to the right!

Just a few minutes ago, I posted a little story about putting Michaela in a long sleeve bathing suit today to go swimming in our somewhat chilly pool. I put up one really cute picture, but I had a few others that I thought were blog-worthy, so I figured I'd get 'em up over here. Go see the other blog for the story, and just enjoy the pictures here!

(She got a little bored with the whole ta-da, show off my bathing suit "fun" by the time we got to this one.)

(And pay no attention to the less-than-stellar editing on these. My settings were all off on my camera and I just did a few quick tweaks to these to get them up.)

The sacrifices of a mother

Over the past couple of days, a few things have happened, and Jason and I have had a few conversations, that have me thinking about the sacrifices you make as a mom (or a dad, but, honestly, I think more so as a mom). They aren’t necessarily huge things, but it’s funny how motherhood makes a woman sort of morph into this person who puts this other person first, without even necessarily thinking about it. I honestly never thought I’d become one of those people, but I sort of have.

Today, I gave up the chance at about 3 hours alone while Michaela should’ve been at her Mom’s Day Out to do the right thing – which was to put her back to bed when she got up in time to go because she was definitely still too tired to be awake yet. She just started the MDO program on Wednesday - about three months after we originally planned to get her into something like that – and I was definitely looking forward to my second day of being able to do what I needed to without having to drag a toddler along. But it wasn’t to be for today. In fact, another one of the things I gave up was more time alone over this past summer because I (we) chose to spread out Michaela’s vaccines a bit so she had to wait until the Fall term instead of doing the summer program like we’d originally planned. Then there’s the money that’s spent on cute shoes and clothes for her instead of me, the hours spent in the pool when the last thing I want to do is swim again but it makes her so happy, the endless loop of the “First Nursery Rhymes” CD in the car, the… well, you get it. And, really, these aren’t conscious decisions to put her first. They really just happen. And honestly I’m a little surprised to realize how often I do this stuff!

One of the biggest reasons why we waited so long to have a child was because I was totally not ready (read: unwilling) to give up a lot of the things that I wanted to do for myself. We were enjoying unencumbered travel. We were advancing in our careers. We were dropping everything at a moment’s notice (or as “moment’s notice” as you can get when trying to coordinate two military schedules) to go away for a weekend, or just to head out in the morning and not come back all day. We were enjoying two paychecks and only two people to spend them on. We were having FUN.

And then one day, having a kid seemed like a good idea all of a sudden (ask me about my favorite red wine analogy on being ready for a kid sometime). I think I finally realized that giving up some of those things would be ok. Because I knew from the start that motherhood would mean giving things up. (Ever met someone who didn’t realize that? It’s a sure sign of not really being ready, if you ask me… thinking that your whole life will go along like it was!) But I don’t think I realized how far the “giving up” goes.

Like I said, it’s not necessarily the big things. Really, with the exception of the unencumbered travel and the second paycheck, we haven’t really given up a whole lot of big things. It’s just all the little things… the things that made me even think about this in the first place. The things that make me wonder where this mom in me came from. And the things that make me wonder why I’m ok with all this sacrifice as long as it keeps my kid happy and healthy.

Who the heck is this me and where did she come from? I have to say; I don’t hate this me, though. I’m pleasantly surprised with myself and the fact that all of that not being ready (again, read: willing) to have a baby for a really long time (for the love of Pete – we’d been married for 10 years when she finally got here!) all disappeared as soon as she got here. I’m not going to say I don’t have my own little internal tantrum every now and again when I can’t do something I want to do just for me, but for the most part, this is just the way it goes – the mommy sacrificing - and it’s all good in my book.

Summer fun!

I hope you've all been keeping up with me/us on my 365 blog. With all the story-telling I've been doing over there, I've been completely neglecting this blog.

But I had too many pictures from our trip to the splash pad today, and I've been putting entirely too many pictures of Michaela over there, so I defaulted to the old stomping grounds so I can overcome both those issues.

So here's Michaela having fun at the splash pad. She's a big fan of playing in the "fountain." There were tears when it was time to go.

When we first got there, Michaela was very excited to have her own bucket (last week, she literally cruised the perimeter of the splash pad looking for other kids' buckets). She soon abandoned the bucket in favor of other activities. She's so fickle.

This was one of those activities.... standing in the steady-stream from this one fountain. She told us, "This feels good!"

She also thought it would be funny to stick her finger into one of the fountains when there was no water coming out....

Guess how well that turned out.

Standing on the fountain was definitely a much safer bet.

And running through it was even better! (Note the very droopy swim suit. We left shortly after this... the diaper and suit were both water-logged and Michaela's fingers were all "sprinkled" (that would be wrinkled to you and me).

That's all I've got for today. I've been keeping our family happenings updated on the 365 blog, so go check that one out if you haven't lately!